There are three reoccurring thoughts I’ve had lately that I can’t seem to shake:
1) Mothering is hard and I am sometimes good at it, but often I’m just stuck in instinct mode and forget that I am responsible for my character. It is easy to get upset in an instant instead of taking a breath and responding with wisdom and grace.
2) I wish my kids were growing up in a world where adults acted like adults and that they could actually look up to the “role models” and “leaders” that run our world. Instead they see classless men and women arguing and acting worse than any of their peers. Add my fiery outbursts in the mix and they get the constant message that this behaviour is acceptable, normal even.
3) With much of “normal life” shut down we are forced to listen to a very tiring and repetitive narrative by a negative and fearful media which is grasping at straw to make forest fires. And I, the consumer am fuelling this ridiculous market. It is affecting my mood and my home.
Therefore, I have decided to…
1) Commit more time to prayer, for my own journey as a mother and for our unstable world.
2) Be the role model that I want my kids to have, by intentionally working on character traits like watching what I say, listening before speaking and living peaceably with others.
3) Stop reading or watching any news other than local news.
I’m hoping that these three habits will change my home for the better. We shall see.
COVID-19. First wave. Second wave. Masks. No masks. Crazy cons/republicans. Ridiculous libs/democrats. November Election… Social distancing, physical distancing. Donald Trump catches the virus he downplayed for months while the reporter sharks circle gleefully and mock. Conspiracy? Karma?
Blah. Blah. Blah.
Here’s some news: I. Am. So. Done.
…With the depressing world news that is.
But MY life is definitely full of good news. Which I will share, because we all need something good to read once in a while.
First of all, it’s AUTUMN! The most gorgeous, perfect season that ever existed!!
The air smells of sweet, dry leaves. The hot tub is used every evening. There have been many firesides with friends at my side and a cup of hot coffee in hand. I do not know how long this season will last, but I do not ask.
It is enough that I have today.
My son’s birthday is today. My daughter’s birthday is tomorrow. And I LOVE birthdays. We are definitely making them extra special this year.
Also our basement was just finished last week and I am positively THRILLED with everything from finally having a pantry, to the cozy rug and beautiful natural woodwork.
Also, in Canada we celebrate thanksgiving next weekend. I LOVE thanksgiving. It happens to be my favourite holiday. Not because of the food (though I love the food) or the gatherings (though I love those too, mainly because of the food 😆)… I simply love it because it is the one holiday we still celebrate just to be grateful for nothing in particular.
Or for everything that we usually take for granted. Like our families. Or our country. Like our homes and the food we have to eat. Or the friends we have. Or our beautiful planet and the God who created it all for us to experience and enjoy.
Gratefulness. Contentment. Thanksgiving.
These are the things that have saved me from spiraling into a very deep pit when times have been hard.
And times have been hard…
But I’ve been through worse. And sometimes we just have to remember what we still have and enjoy it before we become so overcome by the bad that we lose the ability to see the good at all.
The downright amazing, silly, joyful stuff:
Remember to feed your mind some good news once in a while.
One of the most unsettling stories in the Bible, comes from the chapters 38 and 39 in the book of Isaiah.
In this historical account, King Hezekiah becomes very sick… to the point of death. In walks the great prophet Isaiah. He has no fancy message, no hopeful encouragement, he just states the word of the Lord: “Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover.”
I don’t know about you, but with Isaiah’s perfect track record, I would of wept in complete despair. For when the Lord speaks to Isaiah, those words are concrete.
He’s a prophet of God, tested and true.
I think it’s important here to note that a word from the Lord is true and final – however, God has given us a secret weapon that can change everything: Intercession.
He does this so that when we get a prophetic word, we do not need to sit in despair. We can DO something! We can turn to him and pray! In this sense, prophetic words are rarely concrete. In the hands of a prophet, God’s words are to be shared with others. But for the receiver of the words, they are to be brought to heartfelt prayer!!
Hezekiah does exactly this. He breaks down and prays; weeping and begging God to let him live, to not cut him down in the prime of his life. God hears him and listens.
Do we get this?!?
God hears him AND listens!!!
God gave the word, which was final: Death.
But then he saw his beloved child, weeping in despair, pleading for more time to serve him and God relents.
If this message doesn’t wake us up to prayer, I don’t knowwhat will. Our prayers have the power to change our outcome.
How often do we do this? How little we take advantage of this precious gift!
King Hezekiah is healed! How I wish the story ended here!
After King Hezekiah gets better, the king of Babylon sends an envoy with gifts to celebrate Hezekiah’s recovery. Hezekiah shows them everything in his kingdom, all his possessions. We aren’t given a reason for this, but one would assume he did so out of pride. Then the prophet Isaiah asks about the envoy and specifically, what the king all showed them.
“Everything” is Hezekiah’s reply.
And Isaiah utters another prophecy: “Hear the word of the Lord Almighty: The time will surely come when everything in your palace… will be carried off to Babylon. Nothing will be left, says the Lord Almighty. And some of your descendants, your own flesh and blood born to you, will be taken away and become eunuchs in the palace of the King of Babylon.”
And we collectively hold our breath, awaiting another impassioned prayer by the king who changed his own outcome. Surely, after seeing the Lord change what was to come over his own life, he will cry out on his knees for the future generations!
Here’s Hezekiah’s response: “ The word of the Lord you have spoken here is good.” For he thought, “there will be peace and security in my lifetime.”
If this is not the most disturbing display of selfishness, I don’t know what is!
Where is the desperation? Where is the man who reminded God of his promises? Who reminded God of his righteousness? Where is the repentance? Where is the humility that he had claimed he would live out for the rest of his days?
Reminding me of my generation:
Hours pined away on social media and screens. We know how damaging these things are for our children. We know it already! Yet… “It’s the easy thing to do.”
“I can’t adult today.”
Five minute devotional books sold by the dozen because we “don’t have the time for long devotions” while we laughingly post on Facebook about our five hour Netflix binge and ask “Is there anything else to watch?!?”
Our generation, splurging on frivolous and unnecessary things: expensive outings, over priced coffees, beauty care and home decoré… all while adamantly claiming: “we barely make enough to scrape by.”
Trust me, North Americans, we simply do not know what these words mean!
Our government spending outrageously, knowingly, unsustainably. Obviously with no care at all for the future generations, because “We want to live prosperously NOW!”
“We deserve better.”
Without a thought for future generations. What a hauntingly disturbing response from a selfish generation in the midst of a pandemic.
Who knows what lies ahead? Who has the wisdom to discern the times?
I think we would do well to remember King Hezekiah. Do we only care about the here, the now? We may not have the future told to us, but we most definitely can get on our knees and change the course of it.
That I’m like two different people living in one me. The funny thing is that I agree wholeheartedly. I know what he’s talking about.
One side: sweet, caring, and nice.
The other: filled with anger, rejection, and fear.
One side: accepted & loved.
The other: rejected & condemned.
Aren’t we all, really? Jekyll one day. Hyde the next. Trying to stay Jekyll.
But the good news? Jesus loves me as Mr. Hyde.
He loves my rejected side. Though people love me when I’m good and hate me when I’m not – Jesus takes me at all times.
He loves both “me’s”.
He has shown me that from day one. Through anger, shame, fear and deepest pain. Through embarrassing panic attacks to awkward moments. Even in full out rebellion.
Though we often turn our faces away from the “Hyde’s” of this world, God doesn’t shrink back. He reaches out his hand and calls them home. Though people reject “Hyde” (he’s horrible and socially awkward and often inappropriate) – God does not.
He tells us this through stories:
Remember the prostitutes? Rahab and Mary Magdeline to name a few…
Remember the government tax thieves? Zacchaeus and Matthew… probably more.
Remember the murderer(s)? Moses (and others)!
Or the adulterous murderer? David.
Or the liars? Isaac, Jacob.
Remember them. And then remember those who slammed stakes through his feet and hands?
“Father, forgive them.” He says.
To top it off, Jesus shares the ultimate story of his love through the parable of the prodigal son. A story of a son who squandered his inheritance, rejecting everything his father had raised him to be.
But the Father.
He waited with open arms for “Hyde” to return.
God loves us. ALL of us.
And he is ever working until I’m all better. Until I’m whole.
I used to write with such clarity. I used to spill out my feelings alongside God’s truth on the page with ease. Now it’s a struggle. My brain is in a fog and I can not do it. I start, only to lose my train of thought and my ideas jump around like a bunch of crickets set loose.
What I know:
Something really big is happening in the world right now – a testing of the church, a revealing of hearts. I wouldn’t call this the “end times” maybe more like a prelude. We got a pop quiz… and we flunked it. Big time. Instead of rising up to meet the needs, we’ve hidden away watching them from afar. People are getting shaken – yet life goes on (almost normal even!)
Most people seem confused or in a fog. A result is that they argue petty things on social media and comment sections. They are consumed with the news, as if reading and discussing it will change the world. Or even worse, they hide behind humour and ignore the fact that anything is going on at all. Posting memes, endless jokes… while there is tragedy everywhere.
But, we are missing the main narrative of what is happening here. So that Christians even, seem to be paralyzed. Some are paralyzed with fear, others with apathy.
Trial is supposed to be the churches finest hour! Yet I have never before been so disappointed in it!
We are spending these desperate times watching Netflix and doing home improvement projects!
We feast away in luxury while others starve.
We are becoming lazy, discontent, disconnected grumblers who seem to have little to no concern for those outside our circle of familiar faces.
Yes! I’m disappointed with the church. For I have found few who truly want to respond to the call of the gospel: to take time for the helpless, to meet and listen to the Lord together. I have found few who have any desire to worship together. Invite people for a free meal or a day in the backyard by the pool and they come rushing by the dozen.
But invite them to worship and pray, and crickets are my only companions.
How long, Lord, until you wake up your church? Or am I just supposed to watch it die out, one member at a time?
Something is very wrong. We’ve adjusted to comfort during a shaking that was meant to wake us up! Oh, God, wake us up! Help us to stop and listen, to be alert and watchful. You ask us to watch and pray, yet your followers are sleeping in the garden again.
Must you be on your own a second time?
Remove my mind from the fog, Lord Jesus!
I know there are some who are reading this who are saying “Yes!” Who are saying, “You aren’t the only one, I feel it too!” God, I ask you to bring us together. Not for chitchat and coffee, but together, seeking you on our knees.
“For where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am with them.” Matthew 18:20
So it’s been a while since I’ve written an actual update on my day to day life. We have absolutely no schedule. School’s over!! Summer plans have been mostly cancelled. But we’re still keeping busy, albeit at a slower kind of pace…
And that’s what we’ve been up to! Life. Sometimes joyful, other days just surviving. I get it, these are all happy pictures, they don’t show the pain or stress behind some of the harder moments. But they do give you a glimpse of one simple truth:
God is good through it all.
Even when we feel lonely. Even when we have way too many screams in one day. Even when the bones break and sun burns our pale skin. Even when the world seems to be in bitter turmoil and all reason is drowned out.
God is good.
He is faithful today and will be faithful tomorrow. And that is the hope we hold onto.
It usually is because I say/write/do something careless and then I realize it too late.
Once the words have been said.
Once the text has been sent.
Once the mistake has been made.
A few such things have happened this past week.
A week ago it was Father’s Day. I knew this, as we had already celebrated twice, but that particular morning it didn’t cross my mind at all. My husband was preparing food to BBQ, which he does quite well. I mean it tastes amazing... But it often lacks in the health department.
And without thinking twice I decide: This is the day that I am going to bring up my concerns about how unhealthy I feel and blame it on him.
Really, I am just stressed about my weight as I have gained 15 pounds since COVID-19 happened. And it’s easier to blame others than to look in the mirror.
On a good day, it is a stupid thing to say. But it wasn’t just a good day, it was Father’sDay. And not only was he making DELICIOUS food on Father’s Day, he was joyfully making food. No complaints, it is what he loves to do.
But I chose to tear him down and five minutes into my rant, it dawns on me: Just shut up already.
So I close my mouth. And then in the 10 seconds of awkward silence, I realize – with horror – that today is a day to celebrate the man I was just criticizing.
I apologize immediately. I call the kids to the table to bless him, and say what they love about the man I was just tearing down.
I tell him what I appreciate about him: He never criticizes me.
The rest of the morning I feel terrible. I want to crawl into a hole and stay there. I want to cover up my face and hide away. I consider having my tongue surgically removed. I wonder if there’s anyone out there who can be as two-faced as me.
Because friends, this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.
How does one move on from feeling low? How does one reconcile themselves to the fact that to the core of their being, they are not what they want to be, what they mean to be, what they claim to be?
I’ll tell you how I get back up: Jesus.
It’s why he needed to die on the cross. Because of me. Because of my hurtful words, my careless tongue.
This is what faith in Jesus is all about. Knowing our true state, that we are not good enough and running to a Father who loves us anyways. As we repent, as we turn to him, an incredible thing happens.
He covers us up. He covers our sin with his blood.
I can come out of my hole, because he entered that hole of shame for me! My life becomes “hidden” in Christ.
But in the same way, I must never claim anything good inside myself as “who I am”. For I know very well who I am apart from Christ: Just a shameful girl, hiding in a hole.
I am tired of messing up. Tired of sin. Tired of my words getting me into trouble.
“Who will rescue me from this body, that brings death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!” Romans 7:24-26
I’ve shared many of my past struggles on this blog before:
My rebellion in my teens: drinking, parties, being abused by men twice my age and my teenage pregnancy. The responses of those around me, some of which were hurtful and some unbelievably supportive. Finally, getting touched by God’s love in an unforgettable way, turning my life around – leaving the parties, drunkenness and empty friendships behind.
My son being born and becoming deathly ill. Him being hospitalized the first year of his life; the financial struggles, the highs and lows of this season and the support and miracles we experienced.
My struggles with having five kids so close together, the havoc it reaped on my body and emotional state… the depression, and anxiety that followed.
The church we helped start and suddenly got removed from, though we did our best and fought for reconciliation. All our closest friends, who were dear to us like family, that betrayed us and shunned us as if we had died. The panic attacks that followed this.
The loneliness I’ve felt for much of my adult life.
And some things I have not shared… not because I’m ashamed to, but because there are some things that aren’t just my story to tell and so it’s not my place to publicly write about or share them.
BUT though I have suffered many, many times and sometimes even begged God to take my life, one thing is abundantly clear to me: There was a reason for everything.
God allowed these things to happen to me so that he could answer my prayers from all those years ago, when I first began walking with him. Do you know my biggest prayer as a pregnant teen was?
“God, make me like Jesus.”
And as I was praying one day, 15 years ago, he gave me a picture of his hand coming down from heaven. His finger touched my forehead and he marked me – with a cross. He drew a cross, in the middle of my forehead!
You bet, I was excited. Yet, I had no idea what that picture meant! I just knew that God had done something very significant. But, I had no clue what.
I do now.
The cross means pain. It’s the symbol of the finished work of Jesus.
“It is finished.”
I was just beginning my life… and he already saw my end. And what he was saying to me was: “You’re gonna get the answer to your prayer. But it’s going to come through a lot of trials and pain.”
Every trial left a scar. Some physical, but I found the invisible ones were the most painful. Deep bleeding where nobody else could see. But every scar has a lesson. And every lesson has made me just a little more like Jesus.
So what did my teenage rebellion and the grace that I was shown teach me? Do you remember the story in the Bible of a sinful woman? Where is she wet Jesus’s feet with her tears and dried them with her hair? “Her sins, which are many, have been forgiven – for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.
It taught me to LOVE MUCH. For I experienced the UNBELIEVABLE love and grace of the Jesus – while I was at my worst!
My love for God became real.
What did I learn through watching my son suffer? That God is good, even in the worst situation imaginable. I learnt to trust him, even when I could not understand. I learnt to worship him through the pain and that pain actually brings about the deepest form of connection to God in worship. I learnt that he cared about the smallest requests I had. He heard my every prayer. And I learnt that he still does miracles.
What did I learn through motherhood? Oh, more lessons than I can name here! Humility. Gentleness. That I actually don’t have all of life’s answers. That peaceful love shapes a child’s heart better than requiring “good behaviour”. That I actually need a whole lot of grace myself, probably even more than I give out each day. That children will never do what you expect them to. And that they give the sweetest kisses and the deepest love. That I need to be more like them.
Through depression I learnt empathy. The power of listening. That silence can be the most loving thing to do.
Through rejection I learnt mercy and wisdom. I understood betrayal, and felt like Jesus knew this pain too. I learnt how to forgive… and how to let people go.
You know what I’ve learnt through the “good times” in my life. Where I have no problems and everything seems easy?
Ok… Other than the fact that money doesn’t bring happiness and there’s only so many good shows on Netflix before it gets old!
So you see, the pain has a point.
I can see why James 1:2-4 says: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
Yeah. Those hardships all sucked. I certainly didn’t find them pure joy as I lived them. But it made me exactly who I was praying to be.
I still have a long way to go. Just saying that makes me cringe… I have a lot of trials ahead of me. But I’m convinced that I’ll get through them and come out on the other side with a scar.
I can get so worked up about everything that’s happening in the world today. At times I still shake my head in wonder at how much change can happen in such a short amount of time.
Masks in public becoming mandatory.
The media trying to divide people more, and more, and MORE.
I had to shake my head yesterday when I watched a reporter try to get my Prime Minister to shame the President of the USA.
Seriously… why?!? Why is there a need for us to go searching for more reasons for offence? Aren’t people angry enough?
Isn’t it enough?
Sometimes I wish the news would be shut down. Just for a week. Watch people snap out of their obsession with current events and open their eyes to the events happening all around them. Wouldn’t that be a healthier way to live? We can’t help what’s happening in the world. We CAN help what’s going on around our homes and in our own neighbourhoods.
I can get angry at current events too.
Like the foolish doctor who lied and traveled without quarantining, resulting in a small outbreak amoung his patients… and then had the audacity to play the race card when people were upset.
Let me tell you, I didn’t know he wasn’t white and I was upset at him for being careless!
Don’t play the race card. Just don’t.
Prejudice is a real issue, racism is a REAL issue. But don’t do something careless and harmful and then blame it on your color of skin when people get rightly upset. That just makes a mockery of the actual racism going on around us every single day.
I’m also upset at the media.
Is COVID-19 a serious issue and social distancing a must? Or not? I’m tired of the double standards. Like why is this condemned:
And this not?
Why do we fine people for gathering in joy and support people for gathering in anger? (I’m not at ALL saying the people shouldn’t be upset at what happened… my point is rather that “social distancing” has been so strictly enforced that people coming too close to each other have been fined… but suddenly it doesn’t matter anymore?)
It’s a backwards world.
This morning, God reminded me of a scripture, which gentle rebuked my “News obsession” these past few weeks:
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life… Can anyone of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? …So don’t worry saying, what shall we eat? Or what shall we drink? Or what shall we wear? For the pagans run after these things and your heavenly father knows your needs. But seek first his kingdom and righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 7:25-33
And I realized, all this worry can accomplish nothing in my life.
And yet we are so filled with worry and stress, with helplessness and fear. But if God cares for the creatures – and nature itself – won’t he care much, MUCH more for his own children?
He knows our needs! Our job is to put aside worry and seek him first. As we seek his will for our lives and commit to living a righteous life before him, he will give us our needs. Seeking God and living righteously are in our control. Changing the world is not.
We all know that things aren’t what they seem. The messages we are getting from both sides of the media don’t add up. It doesn’t make sense how the “online commenting mob” condemns churches peacefully gathering and adhering to the guidelines, while thousands who are burning, looting and destroying are shown understanding and grace.
It doesn’t add up! And although asking questions is so important, what isn’t important is getting involved in conspiracy theory’s and comment wars while neglecting to take care of those around you.
What can we do? We all fear these events which are out of our control! We fear the world that is rapidly changing into a hate filled, rage full place where hugs and worship are banned, but hate is glorified.
Scripture says: “Can any of you, by worrying, add a single hour to your life?”
God is saying, “Do these thoughts, these worries change your situation? Then lay these worries down. I know the truth, I AM the truth. Seek me first, my kingdom and righteousness and I will care for your needs! In this world you will have trouble but take heart! I have overcome the world. You are not of this kingdom. Do not let your trust lie with the world’s government or healthcare system. Your trust is misplaced if you depend on the justice system or media for true justice.”
God is the ONLYjust Judge.
May our prayer be, “Come Lord Jesus. Come and make everything right again. We wait for you. Creation groans for your return. We trust in you. Give us the right perspective for this season, and may we not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”