Authenticity · Depression · Faith

Waking Up on the Wrong Side… with No Coffee

This morning I woke up feeling angst.

Now, I do struggle with insomnia, but this post isn’t about grumpy mornings where I’ve literally gotten no sleep. Because last night I slept great. Probably got in an eight hour night, which for me is amazing.

I had a great day yesterday. I went to bed content and happy last night.

I woke up sour.

How does that even happen?

Cue about a dozen memes about coffee… which also doesn’t apply, because I don’t particularly love coffee. I mean… I drink it most mornings, because as of turning 30, I forced myself to become an adult.

But this morning, this particular morning, I had it in my mind to drink some coffee with my cream. Yet low and behold, it was GONE!! (Not the coffee, the CREAM) My husband finished the cream.

Now I was even more sour.

But not drinking coffee doesn’t affect me. I am not an addict. I am not an addict. I won’t admit to it. (Still grumbles inwardly about not having coffee.)

Then, to top it off, my daughter asked me a question that annoyed me. On most days it would’ve been an honest, innocent question.

But this morning my body tensed.

She asked this question just to get me mad. My irrational self thought. Why, she was probably scheming from the moment she woke up on how to make me miserable. My husband probably was doing the same.

My four boys were quietly playing downstairs.

I was angry at them. Because, it was too early for them to be playing already. Surely, they had missed doing their chores. I called them up, like a drill sergeant. “Have you boys done ALL your chores?” They nodded. I still didn’t believe them. Didn’t want to believe them. I listed the chores one by one.

Check.

Check.

Check.

Then, feeling like I needed to get them to do something, I made up a new one. They obeyed nicely. Still, I was annoyed. At everyone.

Please tell me, how does this even happen?

As the kids left for school and my husband for work, I was painfully aware that something was off with me, not them.

I went on the treadmill, because if depression has taught me anything, it’s that my body was made to move. I need it for my health. I need it for my sanity. I didn’t feel like running. So I walked. I didn’t feel like walking, so I grumbled while walking. Then I dumbly closed my eyes to pray while I walked.

Of course, I fell. I should’ve been filming the moment, as I would love to watch how stupid that looked. I’m sure that alone would’ve cured any sour feelings inside.

So… you may be wondering, what’s the point of this post? Will I give you another amazing conversation where God told me exactly why I was feeling this way and why? Some grand lesson I learnt? Some attitude change that made all things better?

No. Because there was none.

Me: God, why am I feeling this way?

God:

Nothing. Silent.

This is just as real as my good conversations with him. And you know what? Sometimes there is no good reason other than the fact that life isn’t always sunny. Sometimes the reason comes to me later. Sometimes I never figure it out. Sometimes its a day: A bad morning, waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

Sometimes its a full season that lasts years. I’ve had those too. But surely as winter is cold and dark and drags on far too long… spring comes.

I’m learning to wait.

How about you? How are you doing? Are you in a good season right now? A hard one? How do you cope with the difficult days.

17 thoughts on “Waking Up on the Wrong Side… with No Coffee

  1. HUGS & 🙏! I hear you Heather❣️ I too have angst & floundering insecurities some days & wonder why I get so off kilter!! It’s then that I cry out to God, & claim His promises in Scripture for my life, and then crank some praise & worship tunes as I process my thoughts & align them with my Dear Heavenly Father’s❣️ Kristine DiMarco’s song called “Courage” has become precious as our God “IS in THE WAITING”. , as well as Casting Crowns song “Just be Held”. I’m In your corner always dear❣️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks! Great thoughts here as well! Worship and meditation on God’s word does wonders for boosting our mood (and perspectives)! After a LONG afternoon nap, my mood is slightly better. Hopefully I’ll wake up tomorrow feeling ready to take on the world again. For now, I’m hoping a cozy evening at home with lots of snacks will get me through the rest of the day 🙂

      Like

  2. Oftentimes, we lose heart or focus during a difficult season because it doesn’t appear anything is happening. That’s the season I’m currently in. Learning to trust God when nothing seems to change can be challenging. Living in the midst of what is and the hope of what is yet to come is challenging. We have to learn that we can trust God, even when it doesn’t look like our circumstances will ever change. There has to be a resolve for us that our soul is going to be anchored in the Lord, no matter what comes or no what goes. We can look to the Bible of the people who made it through as they put their trust in God, while other got lost having lost their Kingdom focus.

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  3. LOL. I love how you made up another job for the kids. Sounds like me in my grumpy moments. Then, I feel like a brutal mom. It’s so hard to balance disciplining and training them with nit-picking. Grrr. Anyway, we’re all just doing our best each day, right? One day, my kids will have to go see a counselor or some kind of prayer ministry to heal from all the mistakes I made when they were growing up.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I feel like my life has been in pause for two years in some ways. Lost friendships and family relationships and me unsure where my life is going. I just feel a bit adrift I’m afraid, with only a little guidance from God lately. But I’m plugging on because sometimes he lets me know what I’m doing is right and one day it will all make sense.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry that you’re going through relationship losses. In my experience, pain from losing friends has far exceeded any physical pain I have suffered! It is the most severe kind of pain because often it takes away help. Keep plugging on! I have no doubt that God will reward you! (Sorry for the late reply, I have been too busy for my blog these days 😩… sigh… One day I’ll have time again right??)

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I could totally relate to your post! I laughed at: “My four boys were quietly playing downstairs.
    I was angry at them. Because, it was too early for them to be playing already.” Yep…some days it just feels like everything can irritate. It does seem like physical activity helps me. But at the same time, I think we just have to push through. Not giving up in the mundane. The grumpy. Having faith that there is a point in it all. Waiting patiently. And being very very thankful when that feeling of irritation passes! Press on!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Coming from you, this means a lot!

      And I can’t say the same for treadmills. Considering I dance on them, Naruto run on them and apparently close my eyes on them, I’m all to blame for my MANY wipeouts 😂

      Liked by 1 person

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