Vulnerability

Raw Post Ahead

For the past few months I’ve been struggling a lot with feelings of inadequacy. I feel like I just don’t measure up, like I’m mostly a disappointment to those around me and actually many times I wonder if those closest to me even like me.

And writing a blog when I feel this way? Yuck.

I mean, there’s {almost} nothing worse than reading post after post of an insecure individual, fishing for compliments and for others to validate them. In fact the only reason I am up to writing today is because finally I feel a bit better, as if things may be looking up for me. Often, when I feel this way I begin to drift away on my latest social media platform of choice, this time it being WordPress. I don’t want to be that whiny blog no one reads so I instinctively want to fade out before my followers do. I feel that familiar longing to do my knee-jerk reaction and “delete the account”…to crawl back deeper into my hole.

Being forgotten is often less painful than being noticed for the wrong reasons.

This blog hasn’t been super rewarding for me. As of now, I have a handful of people who actually read what I write. Mostly strangers.

I began this blog after having a dream that awakened a desire in me to write again. Writing for me has been therapeutic for as far back as I can remember. It’s a balm on my wounds. It takes the deepest pain, the most utter confusion, the darkest fear, the greatest joy and put words to it all. Suddenly that painful, dark thought doesn’t seem so frightening anymore when it’s been put into language. It’s been named and therefore, it can be understood.

There is nothing as beautiful as when emotion is transformed into words that make sense of it all. Make it musical and even more dimension is added; you can almost touch it. Poetry is the combination of our thoughts and feelings, finally released in a rhythmic form that expresses the inexpressible; a miracle that hits the page.

I never intended to write for fame or to be noticed.

I never started so that I could become the next top blog or because I expected my writing to make me an overnight millionare.

I started so that I could practice and improve my skills as a writer while sharing my unique story and lessons I’ve learnt along the way. I wrote to share my faith, to encourage, and, quite honestly, to write about some things that I couldn’t dare say out loud. Using my blog in this latter way has caused unintended conflict and I’ve had to delete a couple of posts in the past that brought pain to certain people in my life (one particular post was taken personally when it was addressing how tired I was of gossip). Since that particular post was written, I’ve felt an unaddressed strain in a couple relationships which resulted in me losing that first zeal I had for writing. No post is worth losing relationships over, no matter how well-meaning it is.

And on that point lies the reason why I feel like quitting: If I, a writer, can’t clearly get my point across and am so misunderstood, then maybe I’m not such a good writer after all.

Many times I approach the keyboard, clicking out my heart-felt words…

Only to delete.

Out of fear. Who will I hurt this time? Who will read into my intentions wrongly this time? Do I really come across that harsh? Am I that oblivious to my actions? Am I completely lacking self-awareness? Oh, when did these relationships become so painful, so delicately breakable that I feel like tucking myself into a corner and giving up? When did walking on egg-shells become a daily practice for me?

However I look at this though, no matter what lens I use, I always know that there is someone else out there who knows exactly what I’m feeling. They understand my words perfectly. And so I continue to write:

For it’s the only way I know how to navigate my feelings.

It’s the only way I know to ease my troubled thoughts.

I share,

Because I am not alone.

Somewhere out there is another soul:

Who feels forgotten and alone,

Who is painfully insecure,

Whose blog makes the ‘Sega Dreamcast’ look like a success…

And for some reason, that’s enough to keep me hammering on these keys, knowing that persistence may be the only thing I have left.

I keep writing because of how it helps me.

I keep running, because it teaches me endurance.

I keep working because the results are rewarding.

I keep loving because real love never fails.

I keep on giving, because one day I’ll see the fruit.

I keep learning Spanish because it’s been my dream since I was a little girl to speak it.

I keep praying because there’s a lot of impossible things that I am still waiting for.

I may be called a lot of things… but least they can’t call me a quitter.

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18 thoughts on “Raw Post Ahead

  1. I relate to much of what you’ve written here. I highly recommend against withdrawing and deleting, even at the risk of negative comments. What do THEY know?

    When I first started writing and got a handful of people, I began experiencing The Facebook Phenomenon: that of depending on the attention and feeling badly for myself when others got noticed for stupid things. I had to keep writing and keep following and keep reading. Now I’m at a place where I have a few, good friends I’ve met through blogging. I know they are authentic like me and they are supportive. I try to be as supportive as I may.

    It’s easy for me to get discouraged and throw everything out with the bathwater. I forget that I feel I can do without some things because they are always there, like my blog-writing. At least have another outlet before you decide anything drastic. Maybe a writing group? A pen pal?

    I wish you all the best! 🙂

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Thanks for sharing Chelsea! I really appreciate the points you’ve made here. Especially about not deleting what I’ve written, even if it gets negative feedback. That’s something I’m working on. Everyone knows that the most interesting reading material is often highly controversial 😜
      But I’m not done with blogging, I just pull back in different seasons so my blog doesn’t become a drain to read. I definitely have yet to find a place that’s more uplifting than the atmosphere on WordPress. I’m genuinely amazed at how encouraging the people on here are, especially in the whiny, fault finding world we live in. Anyways, thanks for stopping by and commenting, I appreciate the support!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad to hear you won’t go away entirely. And I’m sorry for writing my response before I read a few more of your posts! 🙂 It sounds like you’ve got quite a bit of life handled just fine.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t think I have ever been discourage with what I write or where my writing is going, but I do admit to having thrown out or put aside more words than I have ever hit the publish button to. I think that’s just me getting bored with me though. I forget sometimes that there is a couple of people out there that look forward to what I might be writing about. And however few they are in numbers I must remember that they are worth it. Good luck with your writing. I look forward to it. – Robert

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Robert! I think part of good writing is making good use of the delete button. It means proper thought I’d going into each post. You’re right about numbers though, every reader is worth it. I appreciate your encouragement. Thanks for stopping by!

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  3. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I can totally resonate with your post. Please know that the impact may be small (ie a small reading audience), but for me your posts have been incredible. This one especially. My blog has created quite some conflict as well. Especially in some of my closest relationships. Yet I want to keep blogging. The connections that are made (with strangers) has been so encouraging. The therapy of writing has been good. The ability to analyze my thoughts and communicate them in the least offensive yet most persuasive way has been a good challenge. I understand what you’re going through. I am going through it as well. I hope you will keep writing. You do an awesome job and are a huge encouragement to me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! Thanks for your encouragement Elizabeth! I had a feeling that other bloggers may be able to relate to the feeling of having a relatively unsuccessful blog, or even the conflict that comes from writing. Writers need to have the ability to write about their experiences so that others may relate, while still protecting those closest to us! It’s challenging for sure! How does one talk about something close to home and yet make it discreet enough to share publicly? I’ve sometimes felt a bit sad that most of the people who know me don’t read my blog and my most encouraging and faithful followers have been strangers (I love the people on WordPress, they are so uplifting!), yet in a funny way, sometimes I’m more encouraged by those who stop by and comment when they don’t “have” to!

      Like

  4. I’ve missed your posts, Heather! You often find more courage than I have to post about the darker, inner experiences. I have written many a things only to delete them. “Do I sound stupid? Am I just complaining, again? Well this one isn’t going to make sense.” One thing I’ve noticed in my writing, which is an experience you seem to share, is that the healing aspect of translating thought to word tends to focus on pain. And the pain is how we found writing in the first place. When I begin writing, all I can think about is how my writing will flop or how I have not stuck to my commitments or how little I know about what I speak of.

    I think this is the enemy filling us with doubt, fear, feelings of inadequacy because he doesn’t want us to tell our story, share our controversial ideas, he wants us to stay in isolation. But God calls us to use our gifts and passions to share truth with the world and every time we come to do so, we experience the battle.

    I am so glad that you shared. It’s a recurring battle for me and knowing that you find hope, gives me hope just as well. I’m tired of waiting for people to love my posts, thinking that my writing is a reflection of the audience’s approval, wondering why the people in my “real life” don’t support my writing. But, I am here and my life is real and I support your writing. You have been that same source of comfort and friendship in my own writing.

    I’ll be praying for you, for the walls to fall, your words to be so filled with the Spirit that they have no place to go but OUT! Out into the world.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This was such an encouraging message for me to read! I appreciate your words so much! I have also appreciated your perspective on life and your uncompromising faith in God which comes through beautifully in your posts. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your prayers for me. It’s so neat that blogging has brought many people into my life that seem to be likeminded and striving towards the same goals.(even if they are “strangers” 😃) Blessings!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Heather, I’m sorry to hear that you feel this way! I’m glad that you keep persevering because I enjoy reading your posts. If writing out your thoughts helps you process them, I hope you will keep doing it; though many people don’t have one, I feel that we all need a cathartic outlet, through some form of creativity or a beloved hobby. I think you are a great writer (the ending of this post was especially poetic), and you need to flex the muscle to keep it strong. It seems from mine and other comments that you do, in fact, impact people positively through your blog!

    Just know that most of us, including me, have those valleys. I have days where I am so wrapped up in self-pity and a general frustration with life that I simply can’t work on a blog post. I’ve tried to share some of my vulnerability in my posts to show others that it’s okay to feel down and out some days. I’m thankful for this community. ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Lily! I don’t know what else to add but that I am so touched and grateful for everyone’s responses and support. Motherhood is often a thankless and invisible job, and I think a lot of my struggles have had to do with the loneliness of it. Writing really does seem to help though. I am also very thankful for this community 💗

      Liked by 1 person

  6. This was a very powerful post that I’m glad I stumbled upon. See, the complexities of writing about your personal life on the Internet really surface when your most powerful stories involve your most powerful connections in the real world. I look forward to reading more posts, & never give up the dream of relishing your thoughts!

    Liked by 1 person

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