There’s much on my heart these days, but very little words come for me to write. What does one say when your heart is crushed?
What does one blog about when you pour out love and receive hatred in return?
How does one prove their own innocence, especially when the accusations have bits of truth mixed into them. How can one defend themselves against the taunts of hell itself?
How can I defend myself against such accusations? Indeed, I can not. For how can I say I am perfect, when clearly I am not? How can I say my heart longs for truth and righteousness, when indeed, I have grumbled, gossiped and complained? I long for justice against those who’ve struck me down without reason. I’ve wanted to justify myself against my accusers.
Yet I’m not any better than them, I have misjudged others as well, even rebuked them in their darkest times. I have opened my mouth and spoke against those who suffered shame. I shook my head at their misfortune. I counted myself as better than them.
Now my self righteousness comes down on my own head. My judgements fall upon myself.
Where can I go, God, other than back to you?
Where can I hide in my time of need, other than under the shadow of you wings?
There is no one who is righteous. Not one. No one longs for peace. No one longs to see the best in others. They all lie in wait, ready to accuse, to spread their hateful venom against the next weakened prey.
When, God, will those who claim to be yours leave me alone to live in peace? When will their hatred for me end? They repaid my blessings with insults. My kindness is repaid with accusation.
Surely I know what Job meant when he spoke: “How long will you torment me and crush me with your words? Ten times now you have reproached me; shamelessly you attack me. If it is true that I have gone astray, my error remains my concern alone. You exalt yourselves above me and use my humiliation against me.”
If I am at fault, God, I repent! If I have done this wrong, show me so I can make it right! Don’t abandon me, for I have sought you with all my heart. I cry out to you day and night. I rise early to be with you.
“I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is. So I say, “My Splendor is gone and all I had hoped from the Lord.” I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet I call this to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him,” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” Lamentations 3:17-26
I wait, Lord, for you to make these things right.